Director’s note: This play can be performed with a cast of five actors…or expanded to include more.

The Whole Megillah

By Rabbi Daniel S. Brenner

SCENE 1

KING A (swinging a drink)

Show me the way to the next whiskey bar…oh don’t ask why…of don’t ask why…(he falls) I can’t reach it. Help!!!! Oh my gods, look at this. Dry cleaning! I need dry cleaning! You – you look at me and laugh. `but do you know how expensive it is to get wine off of my royal bathrobe! Haman, come here! Haman!

HAMAN
There’s a problem?

KING A
No I just felt like calling your name. Yes – yes, there is a problem, and it begins with your failure to kiss my ring.

(Haman runs to kiss the ring)

HAMAN
Your highness, great and exalted ruler, leader among men, number 1, top dog, el capitan…

KING A
Enough!

HAMAN
What is it?

KING A
I can’t remember. Wait…More wine! I need more wine! And not the wine that comes out of a box!

HAMAN
I could run down to that little over-priced place on Main Street.

KING A
Just get me something that won’t stain regal attire.

HAMAN
How about a chardonnay?

KING A
I’m allergic. Get me the merlot.

HAMAN
But sir, the merlot will stain your….(KING A interrupts)

KING A
I don’t care. I want merlot. The party is about to start. We need entertainment!

HAMAN
I’ll just move the plasma screen TV into the chambers.

KING A
What?

HAMAN
Nothing, sir. Nothing.

KING A
Haman, I’m feeling. I’m feeling a little you know. My juices are flowing. My mojo is working baby! Tell my wife Vashti to come down here.

HAMAN
It will take her awhile to get dressed sir.

KING A
Getting dressed will not be necessary. But I have a little thing for crown. Bring her down, with only her crown!

HAMAN
No clothes?

KING A
Just her crown. And she can dance the mambo in front of my friends! Cha-cha-cha!

HAMAN
But it is the law that all who come before the king must wear a belt and shoes!

KING A
OK. Her crown, belt and shoes, but nothing else.

HAMAN
As you wish, sire.

SCENE 2

HAMAN
Queen Vashti, your highness, royal majesty…

VASHTI
Cut the baloney, Haman. What does he want now?

HAMAN
Your husband has requested that you dance before him and his friends tonight wearing only your crown, a belt, and shoes.

VASHTI
Is he drunk again?

HAMAN
I’m afraid so. A little tipsy.

VASHTI
He needs help, that man. First I though his brains were like banana mush. Then I realized that I had married a man whose mind was a plastic bag full of go-gurt. I took pity on him, realizing that his skull contains only Smucker’s strawberry preserves. But living with a man who’s mind is like an un-curdled sack of goat cheese is, well, just too much.

HAMAN
Shall I get your crown?

VASHTI

Tell him that I won’t entertain him. Tell him that I don’t listen to him anymore. Tell him that he is not even fit to work for (add corrupt local politician here)!

HAMAN
You must not disobey an order from the king.

VASHTI
I’ve packed my bags. I was just accepted to law school in the next kingdom over.

HAMAN (grabs the handle of the bag. Vashti and Haman pull the bag in a tug of war)

Give me that!

VASHTI
Get you hand off of it!

(VASHTI wins out by kicking him to the floor. She runs off)

HAMAN
He is not going to be very happy about this!

SCENE 3

HAMAN
Your highness, I must speak with you.

KING A
Have you seen my Snuggly?

HAMAN
No, sire.

KING A
I need my Snuggly!

HAMAN
Sire, I have bad news. Your wife, Queen Vashti, has refused to dance at the party. She is leaving you.

KING A
What? How can she do this to me? [he cries] I loved her! We used to be so happy! Now she hates me. Haman, Haman, I feel a song coming on.
(to So Lonely by the Police)

Noone’s knocked upon my door
For a thousand years or more
Achasverosh is all alone
None to share my shushan throne
From hodu to kush is where I reign
But no one to understand my pain
No one to cuddle no one to hug
I lie drunk on my Persian rug

So Lonely, so lonely, so lonely, I feel so lonely

HAMAN
You have me, don’t you?

KING A
That’s different. I need a queen. I need a wife! And I want her to be the most beautiful woman in the entire kingdom!

HAMAN
Well what do you want me to do?

KING A
Find me a woman!

HAMAN
I’ll go out in the city and see what I can do, sire.

SCENE 4

HAMAN
Hey you, bow down!

MORDY
Ex-squeeze me?

HAMAN
Do you know who I am? I am the King’s minister, so hit the dirt and pay me some respect.

MORDY
I’m sorry, but I don’t bow down to people.

HAMAN

Bow down, it is the law!

MORDY
Not my law. I am a Jew, and I bow down to no man. Only to God do I give the highest respect.

HAMAN
Where is this so-called God? What is this God’s name?

MORDY
God does not have only one name. This God has many names and dwells inside of all people. God is a process that makes for salvation.

HAMAN
Enough of your stupid religion! The King is the most powerful, and you must bow down to his minister, and that would be me!

MORDY
No man is God.

HAMAN
I will punish you for this!

SCENE 5

ESTHER
Excuse me sir, would you like to buy some triangle shaped cookies for the Shushan girl scouts?

HAMAN
Let me try one.

ESTHER
Here you are.

HAMAN
Delicious! So tasty! Give me another!

ESTHER
Yes, sir, here are some more.

HAMAN
Yum, yum! So good! You are very beautiful, you know? The King is looking for a new queen. He’s holding a beauty pageant on Sunday to find one. Here is an invitation. I’ll see you there!

SCENE 6

KING A
Haman! Haman! Bring me my cigar!

HAMAN
Here you are, sire.

KING A
Smells good!

HAMAN
I have some bad news. There are people, called the Jews who will not bow down to you. They also do quite well on the SATs and they run the stock market and Hollywood and the Democratic party and they want to force people to have health care. But that is besides the point. I met one of these Jews today — this man Mordecai. He was incredibly rude to me.

KING A
What do you want me to do about it, Haman?

HAMAN
Well, I wrote a very simple law that should take care of the problem.

KING A
Sure, whatever. I’ll sign it.

HAMAN
Good, you’ll see, the world will be so much better without these pushy, rude and unappreciative people! Now I have good news. The beauty pageant will start on Sunday.

KING A
Good work, Haman.

SCENE 7

KING A
Let the contest begin, Haman, bring in the next contestant.

HAMAN
Here she is your highness.

ESTHER
Hello, sire.

HAMAN
Wait! No one speaks to the King unless they are spoken to!

ESTHER
I’m only trying to be friendly.

HAMAN
Leave! Go!

KING A
No! Stay! Who are you?

ESTHER
My name is Esther. My hobbies are rollerblading and bee-keeping. I enjoy sunset walks on the beach and marshmallow treats.

KING A
I also love marshmallow treats!

ESTHER
Have you tried them with chocolate chips?

KING A
I’ve been dying to.

ESTHER
I can make some for you.

HAMAN
Sire, you should watch your diet.

KING A
Haman, shut your smelly mouth for once– this woman is going to be my new queen!

SCENE 8

MORDY
How is life in the castle?

ESTHER
It’s great, Uncle Mordy. The King treats me very well. I have servants for everything, I don’t have a worry in the world.

MORDY
But there is a great worry that I have.

ESTHER
What?

MORDY
Haman. He is responsible for a law that will get rid of all of our people. All the Jews will be gone, Esther.

ESTHER
What can I do?

MORDY
You must do something, Esther.

SCENE 9

KING A
(doing jumping jacks)
And one and two and three and four…oh I feel great, Esther.

ESTHER
See, I told you that if you gave up the booze that you’d feel better.

KING A
It’s not the booze, Esther, it is you.

ESTHER
What do you mean?

KING A
I was so lonely and depressed. I wasn’t myself. Now that you are here, I feel young again. I want to give you something, Esther, a gift, an amazing gift. What do you want? Half of the kingdom? Take it! What can I give you?

ESTHER
You can give me my life.

KING A
What do you mean?

ESTHER
I feel a song coming on.

(“I’m a Jew” sung to the tune of “I’m a Be” by the Black Eyed Peas. )

ESTHER
I am a Jew. You signed a law to get rid of all the Jews. And that means me, too! You must do something.

KING A
I don’t remember signing any laws. I was so drunk. Who told you of this?

ESTHER
My Uncle, Mordecai.

KING A
He should be honored! I have a plan, I can sign another law.

ESTHER
What do you mean?

KING A
I will sign a law so that the Jews will get swords to defend themselves.

ESTHER
Thank you. You have saved my life and that of my people.

SCENE 10

HAMAN
Sire, I heard that you will have a parade!

KING A
Yes, we are having a parade to honor someone. How should they be honored?

HAMAN
Honor me? I mean someone? Well the honored man should ride on a white horse with a gold saddle, and wear the royal jewels and a silk gown.

KING A
Very good idea. Get all of those things for the Jew, Mordecai.

HAMAN
The Jew?

KING A
Yes. He will ride a white horse and you will clean up the poop!

HAMAN
I don’t understand, what have I done?

KING A
I know what you did. Now you’ll have to pay, Haman. It’s an order, and you follow orders, don’t you?

HAMAN
Yes sir.

SCENE 11

MORDY
We’ve been saved by you Esther. The Jews are free. Let’s celebrate, have some wine!

ESTHER
Want one of these funny cookies?

MORDY
[SINGS ] Halleluyah! Halleluyah!

ESTHER
Wait, I have an idea, let’s write a book about this whole thing.

MORDY
We’ll call it the Book of Esther!

ESTHER
Forget it, nobody would ever read it. They wouldn’t believe it, they’d think we made it up.

Every once and a while people contact me to get a copy of the all ages purim shpiels I’ve written. These have been produced in a number of congregations in New York, New Jersey, and Vermont….and can be done with a small cast. (Five will do the trick.)  This year, I started a blog